24 October 2011

breaking at the cracks

I am sick and tired of having to read and re-read and re-read the same paragraph, extract, text, etc. and still find myself unable to comprehend or at the very least, grasp the concepts of what I have been reading.

Lately, it feels as though I have been running on a hamster's wheel! I keep running, but I go nowhere and it is disappointing. Oh, and while I am at it, why not throw in frustrated, discouraged and beaten as well.
I have come to a point where I am actually disgusted with myself. I cannot help but to expect myself to be able to achieve and strive for the very best in everything I do. Somehow though, the results always seem to backfire and it is always, never enough.

Reading is not enough. Studying is not enough. Analysing is not enough. Understanding is not enough. Everything is never enough. Stringing all these caused a thought to cross my mind several times already, "Will I be able to make it?". Fear strikes whenever I think of worst case scenarios that could take place. Which is in its own way good because it drives me to work even harder but, at this point it is just contributing to the anxiety, pressure and stress. 

Call it mental breakdown if you want. Whatever I am going through now, I hope it will end as soon as possible. Being in this state is not good at all, that I know full well.

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Despite feeling messed up, I know that I will come out of it victorious because I have God with me. He never promised an easy road through life. There will definitely be pain, anguish, sorrow, frustration, suffering, ect. But, He did promise;

Never will He leave me, never will He forsake me.

I choose to hold onto that promise.

18 October 2011

taking chances

The past few weeks have sure been one heck of a roller coaster ride.
Despite knowing that, I try to tell myself that it will be okay and the sun will shine after the rain. 
Maybe a rainbow too but that is a bonus.

In any 'case', this course is eating into my life bit by bit.
(Did you get my pun? See, I'm studying Law and well, in Law we have to read cases and well.. okay I shall stop)

Anyway, within these hectic months, I have learnt to give up so many things in life that I love doing. Sleep, drawing, music and social life to name a few. If it is one thing that Law has taught me so far; (of course reading and analyzing is part and parcel of this thorny road, but more than that) it is the ability to sacrifice.
Wishing that my brain could absorb all these stuff like osmosis

No doubt, I have forgotten what it was like to be a student, to meet deadlines and rush for time.
Exciting and interesting as it is sometimes, it is so generic of a student life. I hate dislike routine. Hate is just too strong a word.