chronos

1 year

12 months

365 days

8, 760 hours

525, 600 minutes

31, 536, 000 seconds

;

it's really beginning to scare me how quickly times flies. this phrase has been said time and time again to the point where hearing or saying it doesn't even measure up to the meaning it is supposed to carry. i don't quite know how to explain how i feel about this. i really do wish time would slow down because then i'd have enough time to treasure every passing moment in my life; but i also wished time would pick up its pace so i won't have to feel so restless and unsettled all the time. it's so ironic how one's relationship with the people around them is in the hands of time. the more time you spend with someone, the closer you become. and i think it's really sad how true this is because there will be a point where you just cannot make time for the other party. it's not that you don't want to, you just can't. i guess there're just some things in life that you can't get a grip of; as much as you want to, as much as you'd like to. well, for me at least, i find that the amount of time i'm willing to spend with someone shows how important they are to me. but i'm running out of time as i count the days until i leave. i fear that there will not be enough time because there really isn't. 

there is also another thing about time which i'm afraid of; a person changes as time goes by. it's like time has this ability to allow people to adapt to their surroundings. slowly but surely. because if you can learn to live with someone, you can also learn to live without. i can't help but wonder if this is the work of greed; the way i'm feeling right now. greedy because i want the best of both worlds. greedy because i don't want things to change. greedy because i don't want to lose these friends who have become like family to me over the months, even years perhaps. sigh. but life goes on, and so i must. or rather, i need to. perhaps i need time to allow me to adapt. perhaps i need to allow time to help me adapt. it feels like i have to let go but i don't want to. it feels like i need to breathe but i refuse to. i don't know. i think i'm really, really tired for today. just penning down my flow of thoughts. 

..something always brings me back to you

cold coffee

i can't continue lying to myself like this; it is eating me from the inside out. i miss you. sometimes, i wished i could turn back the clock to the days we spent together, just enjoying each other's company, telling stories of how our days went, laughing over silly jokes every now and then. oh how quickly time flies and i can't help but wonder what happened to us? when did we start to drift apart? is it selfish of me to want things to stay just as they were? or was i the only one that felt this way..

because i was never one to open up to people so easily. as much as i want to, that is just not who i am nor who i can be. there are only so few people whom i really hold dear to my heart besides my family. i've experienced one too many times, friends who slowly became strangers overtime. i don't know if it was my fault that it turned out that way but i do know that i never intended for things to be awkward the next time we would meet or talk. and i'm sorry things had to take such a turn. thinking about it now, perhaps i had just that bit of intention since i never made enough effort to keep the friendship afloat. but how do i save something from drowning when the weight is too heavy for me to carry? when i'm left alone to bear the burden of making things right once more. i really hope our friendship isn't going in this direction too? i wouldn't know what to do then. please don't do this to me.

a month ago, my heart sighed at the thought of leaving home to a country completely filled with strangers. but now, i wish so much to just pack up and leave all these behind me. to start afresh once more even if just for a year. strange is it not how fickle the human heart can be at times? how we keep wanting but it is never enough; how we sometimes prefer to run away instead of facing the music. then again, i don't think i really want to leave everything behind. i'm just much too afraid to face life as it is. at this point, i honestly don't know what to think already. i guess to a certain extent, it's true when they say that "people change, memories don't" & that "everything happens for a reason". 

i pray ..

that when i wake up tomorrow, all this will be nothing but a nightmare,

that time will heal the emptiness in my heart,

that i won't have to wake up to cold coffee anymore.

more than friends

"how do you learn to love someone?", i've always wondered.

but without realising, i might have already learnt to do so.

though i refuse to acknowledge it. perhaps it is because i am afraid.

afraid of how you would respond if i told you,

afraid of what would happen to our friendship if i told you,

afraid of whether things would be the same if i told you,

afraid of the words you would say if i told you,

but most of all, i am afraid of being rejected.

i'm not sure when it began,

or how it began.

i just know that these feelings are foreign to my heart

and i don't know how to handle them.

how i think of you every now and then,

how i wished you were beside me,

how i feel happy by just being around you,

how i am easily affected by your smile.

and i wonder if you think about me too.

that's really all it is and all that it'll ever be.

because only time will tell of what would be.

because it isn't something i can properly put into words.
because i know you won't feel the same way.

oh life

i can tell that things aren't 

right

and that you're really not 

fine

i know you're hurting

your're breaking

you're unhappy

but i need you to stay strong

and pull through

because things get better

and life goes on

these moments of sadness

are only here to show us

how wonderful the

good moments

in life are.

- s.b

(source)