happy

life is a constant struggle. and so i kept telling myself to suck it up because that is just the way things are and it's either you pick yourself up and move on or keep wallowing in self pity. because life still goes on. i'm not sure exactly what i'm doing now and i'm not sure if i'll ever be sure of what i'm doing. but today, i'll take comfort in just being able to feel happy. because i've forgotten how to. i've forgotten how to live in the moment, to take one day at a time. it has been a long time since i've felt this happy; smiling for no particular reason, singing to the next song on my playlist as if no one can hear me, twirling in my nightgown pretending i'm a princess. oh how i miss being a child. i think it's sad that as we grow up, we put childish ways behind us and complicate things for ourselves. to laugh from the heart and cry when it hurts. to scream with excitement and sometimes hide from fear. to not know the meaning of pride and depend on close ones. to be vulnerable. to trust. to love. to live. 

dandelions

that i can find someone who makes me feel so happy is scary. i start giving them all of my attention because they’re what makes me forget everything bad that’s going on in my life. they’re the first person i want to talk to in the morning and the last one before i sleep just so i  can start and end my day with a smile. they're the first person i think of when i wake up and the last just before i sleep. and while it all sounds great to have that someone, it’s still scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that happiness away too when they go. how easily they could find someone new and pretend that everything is okay. i don't even know if 'pretend' is the right word when it's a one-sided feeling on my part. but that's how it looks like. that's just how it feels. it's both pitiful and pathetic that i'm holding onto something that we never had to begin with. it's both painful and sad that i'm realising this now...

i probably like you more than i think i do.

sleeping to dream

i am a mess. how can everything seem fine one minute and then take a 360 degree turn the next. maybe i am not giving myself enough time and pushing myself too hard but i can't help but feel restless. i left home with the determination which i'm slowly losing grip of. everything here is so different & unfamiliar and that makes me miss home so much more than i already do. 

i miss the scent of my room the minute i open the door;

i miss waking up to dad's playlist in the early mornings;

i miss the sounds of my sisters laughing and being silly;
i miss the smell of mom's cooking in the kitchen;
i miss the company of close ones back home.

but most of all, i miss your presence. i miss spending time with you and hearing from you. i miss discovering the side of you i have yet to know. because this emptiness in my heart is all i can feel right now and only you can make me whole again. and i guess that's all i really need now; you. and i know..

that you still love me despite the ugliness of my heart;

that you still welcome me despite how far away i am;

that i belong to you no matter what others may say;

that you are with me in every step i take;

that you hold precious every tear i cry;

that you feel hurt when i feel hurt;

that you will never leave me;

that you will never fail me;

nor will you forsake me.

and that is all i need to know.

bitter butter

like a fool, i waited for you,

when you were never mine to begin with. 

chronos

1 year

12 months

365 days

8, 760 hours

525, 600 minutes

31, 536, 000 seconds

;

it's really beginning to scare me how quickly times flies. this phrase has been said time and time again to the point where hearing or saying it doesn't even measure up to the meaning it is supposed to carry. i don't quite know how to explain how i feel about this. i really do wish time would slow down because then i'd have enough time to treasure every passing moment in my life; but i also wished time would pick up its pace so i won't have to feel so restless and unsettled all the time. it's so ironic how one's relationship with the people around them is in the hands of time. the more time you spend with someone, the closer you become. and i think it's really sad how true this is because there will be a point where you just cannot make time for the other party. it's not that you don't want to, you just can't. i guess there're just some things in life that you can't get a grip of; as much as you want to, as much as you'd like to. well, for me at least, i find that the amount of time i'm willing to spend with someone shows how important they are to me. but i'm running out of time as i count the days until i leave. i fear that there will not be enough time because there really isn't. 

there is also another thing about time which i'm afraid of; a person changes as time goes by. it's like time has this ability to allow people to adapt to their surroundings. slowly but surely. because if you can learn to live with someone, you can also learn to live without. i can't help but wonder if this is the work of greed; the way i'm feeling right now. greedy because i want the best of both worlds. greedy because i don't want things to change. greedy because i don't want to lose these friends who have become like family to me over the months, even years perhaps. sigh. but life goes on, and so i must. or rather, i need to. perhaps i need time to allow me to adapt. perhaps i need to allow time to help me adapt. it feels like i have to let go but i don't want to. it feels like i need to breathe but i refuse to. i don't know. i think i'm really, really tired for today. just penning down my flow of thoughts. 

..something always brings me back to you

cold coffee

i can't continue lying to myself like this; it is eating me from the inside out. i miss you. sometimes, i wished i could turn back the clock to the days we spent together, just enjoying each other's company, telling stories of how our days went, laughing over silly jokes every now and then. oh how quickly time flies and i can't help but wonder what happened to us? when did we start to drift apart? is it selfish of me to want things to stay just as they were? or was i the only one that felt this way..

because i was never one to open up to people so easily. as much as i want to, that is just not who i am nor who i can be. there are only so few people whom i really hold dear to my heart besides my family. i've experienced one too many times, friends who slowly became strangers overtime. i don't know if it was my fault that it turned out that way but i do know that i never intended for things to be awkward the next time we would meet or talk. and i'm sorry things had to take such a turn. thinking about it now, perhaps i had just that bit of intention since i never made enough effort to keep the friendship afloat. but how do i save something from drowning when the weight is too heavy for me to carry? when i'm left alone to bear the burden of making things right once more. i really hope our friendship isn't going in this direction too? i wouldn't know what to do then. please don't do this to me.

a month ago, my heart sighed at the thought of leaving home to a country completely filled with strangers. but now, i wish so much to just pack up and leave all these behind me. to start afresh once more even if just for a year. strange is it not how fickle the human heart can be at times? how we keep wanting but it is never enough; how we sometimes prefer to run away instead of facing the music. then again, i don't think i really want to leave everything behind. i'm just much too afraid to face life as it is. at this point, i honestly don't know what to think already. i guess to a certain extent, it's true when they say that "people change, memories don't" & that "everything happens for a reason". 

i pray ..

that when i wake up tomorrow, all this will be nothing but a nightmare,

that time will heal the emptiness in my heart,

that i won't have to wake up to cold coffee anymore.

more than friends

"how do you learn to love someone?", i've always wondered.

but without realising, i might have already learnt to do so.

though i refuse to acknowledge it. perhaps it is because i am afraid.

afraid of how you would respond if i told you,

afraid of what would happen to our friendship if i told you,

afraid of whether things would be the same if i told you,

afraid of the words you would say if i told you,

but most of all, i am afraid of being rejected.

i'm not sure when it began,

or how it began.

i just know that these feelings are foreign to my heart

and i don't know how to handle them.

how i think of you every now and then,

how i wished you were beside me,

how i feel happy by just being around you,

how i am easily affected by your smile.

and i wonder if you think about me too.

that's really all it is and all that it'll ever be.

because only time will tell of what would be.

because it isn't something i can properly put into words.
because i know you won't feel the same way.

oh life

i can tell that things aren't 

right

and that you're really not 

fine

i know you're hurting

your're breaking

you're unhappy

but i need you to stay strong

and pull through

because things get better

and life goes on

these moments of sadness

are only here to show us

how wonderful the

good moments

in life are.

- s.b

(source)