20 June 2013

cold coffee

i can't continue lying to myself like this; it is eating me from the inside out. i miss you. sometimes, i wished i could turn back the clock to the days we spent together, just enjoying each other's company, telling stories of how our days went, laughing over silly jokes every now and then. oh how quickly time flies and i can't help but wonder what happened to us? when did we start to drift apart? is it selfish of me to want things to stay just as they were? or was i the only one that felt this way..

because i was never one to open up to people so easily. as much as i want to, that is just not who i am nor who i can be. there are only so few people whom i really hold dear to my heart besides my family. i've experienced one too many times, friends who slowly became strangers overtime. i don't know if it was my fault that it turned out that way but i do know that i never intended for things to be awkward the next time we would meet or talk. and i'm sorry things had to take such a turn. thinking about it now, perhaps i had just that bit of intention since i never made enough effort to keep the friendship afloat. but how do i save something from drowning when the weight is too heavy for me to carry? when i'm left alone to bear the burden of making things right once more. i really hope our friendship isn't going in this direction too? i wouldn't know what to do then. please don't do this to me.

a month ago, my heart sighed at the thought of leaving home to a country completely filled with strangers. but now, i wish so much to just pack up and leave all these behind me. to start afresh once more even if just for a year. strange is it not how fickle the human heart can be at times? how we keep wanting but it is never enough; how we sometimes prefer to run away instead of facing the music. then again, i don't think i really want to leave everything behind. i'm just much too afraid to face life as it is. at this point, i honestly don't know what to think already. i guess to a certain extent, it's true when they say that "people change, memories don't" & that "everything happens for a reason"

i pray ..
that when i wake up tomorrow, all this will be nothing but a nightmare,
that time will heal the emptiness in my heart,
that i won't have to wake up to cold coffee anymore.

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