breaking at the cracks

I am sick and tired of having to read and re-read and re-read the same paragraph, extract, text, etc. and still find myself unable to comprehend or at the very least, grasp the concepts of what I have been reading.

Lately, it feels as though I have been running on a hamster's wheel! I keep running, but I go nowhere and it is disappointing. Oh, and while I am at it, why not throw in frustrated, discouraged and beaten as well.

I have come to a point where I am actually disgusted with myself. I cannot help but to expect myself to be able to achieve and strive for the very best in everything I do. Somehow though, the results always seem to backfire and it is always, never enough.

Reading is not enough. Studying is not enough. Analysing is not enough. Understanding is not enough. Everything is never enough. Stringing all these caused a thought to cross my mind several times already, "Will I be able to make it?". Fear strikes whenever I think of worst case scenarios that could take place. Which is in its own way good because it drives me to work even harder but, at this point it is just contributing to the anxiety, pressure and stress. 

Call it mental breakdown if you want. Whatever I am going through now, I hope it will end as soon as possible. Being in this state is not good at all, that I know full well.

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Despite feeling messed up, I know that I will come out of it victorious because I have God with me. He never promised an easy road through life. There will definitely be pain, anguish, sorrow, frustration, suffering, ect. But, He did promise;

Never will He leave me, never will He forsake me.

I choose to hold onto that promise.